I have been having the absolute worst anxiety and mood swings. The anxiety was so bad that I wanted to get away from my house get away from everything just go somewhere I don’t care where just need to get away. So my husband took the girls and me up to a cabin up in the U.P. I thought it would be perfect cause nobody would be around me and everyone was getting on my nerves really really bad. If only everyone would stop being so annoying them my “withdrawals” would not be so bad??? Well when we got to U.P. there and I had no phone service and nobody was around then I couldn’t stand to be alone with myself and I started panicking REALLY bad and it felt like the world was closing in on me and I couldn’t breath and my heart was racing SO fast and I felt  SO CLAUSTROPHOBIC, yes up there where I could be alone without anyone around me. I absolutely had to get back home where I felt safe.  My AMAZING husband packed everything up and we went home. So much for our 3 day mini vacation. I ruined that too so I started feeling guilty and that caused me more stress and anxiety. A few more days went by and the anxiety was not getting better. I remembered a thing I heard along time ago about Post acute withdrawal syndrome. I was sure that was what I had from the high amounts of pain medication I was taking for So many years. Plus is everyone would stop getting on my nerves then things would be just fine right???? I was sure there was nothing I could do and I was making myself look totally crazy on Facebook. So I decided I needed a intensive 8 week  inpatient treatment program. I remember calling this treatment center last winter once when I wanted to get off pain medicine. I didn’t go last winter cause the outpatient one doesn’t help with the initial onset withdrawals and I could not stay inpatient and be away from my family so I just kept using.  So I called them this morning and told them my story and how I have been clean for 9 weeks and he said if I am able to stay clean for 9 weeks then I should be okay with just a N/A meeting every week and Counseling. So at that point I decided if I can get off drugs and cigarettes and pop and sugar (although I did have a sweet treat today for the first time.) then I can control my moods.  I  was allowing satan to control my anxiety and my moods and I will NOT allow that anymore!! satan needs to realize he is messing with the wrong person.  Although I am a girl so I still get allowed a few moody moments here and there!! LOL

When God first healed me 8 weeks ago the first 6 weeks everything was PERFECT.  Then satan started relentlessly attacking me and although I did not use any substances I was still angry and VERY VERY Moody. I again began testing people’s love. Deep down I believe I knew what I was doing.  When things were going so good for that first 6 weeks it seemed like everyone wanted to be my friend and hang out, I was awesome, and blah blah blah.  Then when things were not going right for me I tested people. I lost several friends who I had thought were real true friends.  As much as it hurts, it makes me realize how BLESSED I am!!  It also makes me realize all the times I blocked Jesus out of my life when I wanted to live “my way”.  My husband is A VERY wise forgiving person. Imagine marrying a woman who you had just met because God told you to do so, and even after God told you “IT WOULD BE HARD” and all these people are warning you not to marry her. Whenever I would do something my husband would not approve of he would forgive me and say “What am I going to do with you? I guess I will just have to Love you some more.” My husband AMAZES me, he has NEVER raised his voice at me or anything. He has forgiven people for stuff that MOST people would never be able let let go of.  It is all making sense to me now. We expect grace to be given to us with no expectations but when we are expected to give grace it is not as easy. I am SO guilty of this!!  I am not perfect and never will be until I am in Heaven.  I am sure I will have days when I feel moody but I know that Jesus will forgive me.  I will never go back to substances so I am learning how to deal with my moods in a healthy way, it takes time.  I am so Thankful for the friends I have that have shown me grace and especially God’s grace and then my husband’s grace.  It is a whole new journey for me it can be exciting at times and scary at times but everyday is a new beginning and when I wake up everyday knowing I made it another day sober I feel BLESSED.  It is not about the people that can’t deal with me, it is how I deal with myself and others that is what I am responsible for.  Not everybody in this world is going to be best friends on facebook and go to the mall together, although I do hope everyone is in Heaven together.

Hi everyone, this is Angies husband and this my first post to Angie’s Blog.

Now we begin a new life today with nothing but God in front of us. I don’t know what is in our future, but I do know, God is in control of our lives. He is the center piece of our marriage and our family. He will direct us in the way he wants us to go. We are stronger as a family and will always look to God in everything we do. We will still struggle from time to time. But will always learn from these struggles and grow our faith in God. We trust our savor Jesus Christ and his endless grace. That he died for our sins, so we can live with him for all eternity.

I did NOT want to get out of bed today!!! I need you to help me Lord please don’t let me sink!! These are my thoughts and this is my Blog and I am human so I can write whatever I want and I feel like I am going to sink today!!

I have a right to share my story. It is my life my book and every chapter is my own! I will not us any names but I will share my whole story!! I have experienced so much rejection in my life and I expect NO sympathy actually sympathy tends to annoy me. I believe what happened to me at Urgent Care last week was allowed by God to help me work through all my past rejection and times of being told to “LEAVE NOW!”

I have a problem with getting to attached to people!! God wants us to be attached to Him First!! When I was 21 I was living with a family from a church I was attending at the time. I thought they were the “COOLEST” family ever I wanted to live with them forever. They all got along great and I felt so peaceful when I was living there it was a this is to good to be true thing. Well I guess subconscious thinking got the better of me because I thought if they knew everything I have been through in my life they wont make me leave and I unknowingly tried to get them to feel sorry for me. Then they decided they would adopt me. I was ecstatic!!! So I kept trying to feel sorry for myself (which now annoys me bad like I said!!) so they would feel sorry for me. Well I could sense that deep down most of the family did not truly like me so I figured it was time for the real test. I have had a problem in my life with testing people’s love. It was just a problem I had it had nothing to do with if someone loved me or not. One day I went out with my “party” friends and obviously when I returned I smelled like pot. Although I did not smoke pot that day they decided they just could not deal with me anymore and they called a meeting with my Mom and I was asked to get my stuff and leave right away. I was DEVASTATED!! My heart hardened that night I became SO bitter and live went down hill from that night on with me TESTING EVERYONE’S Love when I should of just turned to God well I didn’t. I turned to drinking from the minute I woke up until I passed out then I woke up and drank more. A was able to hold a few jobs here and there for a few years but eventually I ended up in the hospital because I wanted nothing more than to just die. I would still go to church every Sunday because deep down I was looking for Love somewhere. I would even take my alcohol to church with me. One day the Pastor came and sat next to me for a second. He did not say anything to me he just “accidentally”   spilled my alcohol then left and obviously told off by the “counselor” for drinking at church it was not out of Love either. I met many men during this time as I was still looking for “Love” SOMEONE had to Love me, right?!?!?! Well eventually I met and married this guy and that was hell! I was sick and a addict and it was going to take a very special person to ever really Love ME!! During this marriage I began cutting myself SO deep that I would have to get stitches on a weekly basis. He had his addictions and it was just a bomb waiting to go off!! There was one night when I walked away from a wedding we were attending because we had a fight and I was very drunk and I had a razor blade. I was found by a nurse in downtown Traverse City I was unconscious because I had cut myself so deep and I was really drunk. I was taken by ambulance to the hospital. Talk about embarrassing!!! I had a AWESOME Christian counselor by this point in my life and she came to the Hospital that night. Eventually that marriage ended with him and his family telling me to “JUST LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK!!” He only married me because “he thought I was pretty”.  I got really sick after this and I lost SO much weight I was 5′ 7″ and I weighed 104 pounds!! What was the point of living!!! Well like I said I had a great Christian Counselor and she never gave up on me she prayed over me every week and I know my Mom was praying for me every day. I know they were both praying for me to find a true Godly Man!! Well I met men right after he kicked me out. Then I met the MOST AMAZING GODLY MAN!!! He has NEVER given up on me. God is the Center of his life!! Right now I am not going to share how satan tried to stop this marriage from happening but you can bet I am going to Share it all because it is MY life my story and my book!!! My best advice right now is have NO expectations in people ONLY in God!!! I would not be where I am today in my life if it was not for God and Prayer.

I have spent the majority of my life trying to make people happy but I was not happy at all. When we do something for someone or give them a gift it is suppose to be given out of Love and from the heart. Don’t get me wrong their were many times that I did give because I wanted to and it made me happy. But most of the time I just did or gave simply to make people happy and that was not right it made me angry and resentful. Then when I needed something and nobody helped me I was so angry and thought all all the times I helped them. That was my was my own fault. I was to scared of making people mad at me. I seriously thought the whole world was always mad at me about something. I had surgery to remove 2 large kidney stones that were stuck and would not come out I was in excruciating pain and I found a awesome Dr. that did surgery immediately to remove them when all the other Dr.’s would only give me more pain medicine and not help fix the problem well anyways, it was late at night when he finished the surgery and I felt so guilty because I knew he wanted to get home to his family and the FIRST thing I said after surgery was, are you mad at me? Well of course he was not mad at me he was doing his job. I thought if I did not do EXACTLY what everybody wanted me to do they would hate me. It is a very serious problem I had and I did a lot of stuff I can never take back simply because I could not say NO.  It was not healthy for me or the person I could not say no to because deep down I was the one that was mad at them. Oh the stuff I am learning in my old age!! If only I had known all this when I was 11. I am finally at a point where I know when to say no and when to say yes. There are definitely times when we need to help others but we need to do it out of Love not because we are afraid they will be mad if we say no or not at this time. And if someone gets mad at us because we can’t do something then that is their choice not our problem to worry about. The other person I will never say No to is God!! I am currently at a point in my life where I have to pray before I agree to do anything because if God does not want me to do it then I do not want to do it and also I want to make sure I am doing it out of Love and not expecting something in return.

As I was picking up the house this morning I felt the Holy Spirit tell me that I needed to get a card and drop it off to the Dr. at Urgent Care. (See yesterday’s post) My guards instantly went up and I thought there is no way. all I could picture was his face telling me to “LEAVE NOW!!!” I thought I had forgiven him and it was all over and I would never have to go back there anyway. UGH Will I ever learn?? I still had a little bitterness in my heart that I needed to let go of so I told God fine I will have Joe get a card and drop it off. God said NO you will go get a card and write a kind note in it directly from your heart then you will take it there all by yourself!! Talk about scared and embarrassed. So I asked God to free me from all bitterness toward him and then this song by Mathew West came on Pandora “Forgiveness”

I INSTANTLY felt better!! ALL the symptoms of my kidney infection went away and felt AMAZING again!!! I was so happy to go get him a card and I thanked him for giving me a second chance and for helping me feel better. Because HE DID!!! When he came back in that room yesterday he was SO KIND AND COMPASSIONATE. I may never know if he got the card or if he even read it but I know that I feel FREE from bitterness!! He was allowed to have a bad day. I don’t believe it ever really had anything to do with me anyway. He admitted he was in a hurry the first time and I just don’t think we were understanding each other. I am so glad I went back and got the help I needed for my kidney infection.

A couple days ago I started not feeling very good and I was like what the heck I thought you healed me God!!! I felt like I was getting a kidney infection and I was very confused because that is how my addiction to pain medication started I kept getting painful kidney infections and kidney stones. I thought I was done going to the Dr. so WHY is this happening God!! I was not getting any better so I decided I would make a appointment with the Dr. I called and was so happy that my primary care Dr. had a open appointment that same morning. I thought I would just go get a antibiotic and everything would be better and no one would know I went to the Dr. anyway well except my husband and a few special people I asked to pray for me. I went to my Dr. and he said I didn’t have a infection. I figured God was just testing me and I would feel better since I passed the test and plus I had a great talk with my Dr. who happens to be a wonderful Christian man. I went home and I just kept feeling worse and worse so I went to Urgent Care and when I got there I could not bring myself to go in cause I was embarrassed and plus I was supposed to be healed. I went back home and I still was not feeling good AT ALL so I went to the Emergency Room and it was SO crowded and I felt REALLY uncomfortable being there I felt like everyone was looking at me and Judging me so I told them I was leaving and I would call my Dr. back in the morning. After feeling like crap all night I called my OBGYN because something was clearly wrong and I was getting really cranky but they had no available appointments and said I should go to Urgent Care. I had no choice I had to go before things got really bad. I prayed the whole way there because I was embarrassed and nervous. I got there and told the nurse my symptoms and she said I should probably go to the E.R. and I said I really don’t want to go there and I told her I was a addict and addicted to pain medicine for 10 years and she was really awesome and said I could stay there and see a Dr. I figured everything would go perfectly smooth I mean after all I was totally honest about everything. I even told the nurse that I thought it was good that I was there because now they have it on file that I am a recovering addict and she thanked me for being honest about everything. Then when the Dr. came in I suddenly felt very uncomfortable he was clearly in a very bad mood and I felt like he was treating me bad and I was so confused and I asked if I could see a different Dr. and he said NO I WANT YOU TO LEAVE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so confused SO VERY CONFUSED. I told the nurse he asked me to leave and I went out to my car and just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Then I got really depressed and instantly had thoughts of hurting myself. Then I was just plain MAD!!! I actually went to the police station and told a officer EVERYTHING my addiction and the one time I go to the Dr. and NOT even trying to get pain medicine and this is how I get treated and that he should go back there with me and tell the Dr. off. Oh boy!!! That officer was SO awesome he got me all calmed down then he said you really need to take care of your health you should go to the E.R. again and I was like ummmm NOT A CHANCE. I thanked him for his kindness and left. I went back to Urgent Care and I was still fuming but I needed to know if I had a infection so I could get a antibiotic. Luckily that same nurse was there and she said I could see that Dr. again. I had really no other choice at this point but I was still mad. I had just wasted 6 hours and it was my daughters birthday and Joe was missing work. So I waited and waited and I my impatience got the better of me and I walked out again. Luckily the Nurse came out and said come on Angela take a deep breath and go back in he is a really good Dr. and very good with the patients. Anyways I went back in and when the Dr. came back in I instantly felt God say now today was a true test. I totally relaxed and the DR. was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING, yes it was the same Dr. We had a EXCELLENT EXCELLENT talk and I indeed did have a kidney infection and I already feel better I got a antibiotic and I already feel a little better right now. God taught me SOOOOOOOOOO much today!! I would not change anything about today. I learned that Doctors have bad days too!!!!!! He admitted he was in a hurry and not very understanding with me the first time he saw me this morning. God confirmed to me again that HIS plans are not always the same as our plans.  I lam learning that it is okay to be upset and angry if you do it in a healthy way. I am learning that I will never be healed until I am in Heaven and that it okay to need to see a Dr. for good reasons. God put that Nurse in my path today because if wasn’t for her things may have turned out very differently.  God IS in control and no matter how bad we want things to always go smooth they DON’T always go smooth. I am glad I was honest about my past and I am glad I went back in there to get the help I needed.  My primary Dr. asked me just yesterday if I was ready for the HARD Days. It is okay to have hard difficult emotional days. Yes I know this is all ran together and no I do not proof read my writing because it is right from my heart and I don’t want to change anything I already wrote besides you can’t change your past you can only try to improve your future!!! God Bless!!

Be still and know that I am God!! I felt like God wanted me to deactivate my Facebook account for awhile. I knew it was addicting and I did not want anything distracting me from hearing God’s quiet voice so Sunday Morning I did it. Immediately after I did it I felt SO peaceful and I felt God’s presence so strong. It was a amazing feeling way better than being high on pain medicine.  I started thinking about my life. I had a hard life. I was bullied in school and I hated myself I wanted to die when I was 11 years old. The school told my Mom that if she didn’t send me to a “mental’ hospital to “get some help” then she would be the one that was responsible if I did kill myself. So off I went for 6 weeks. I didn’t want to go but I didn’t want to stay home either. I was a very unhappy little girl. The teachers told my classmates parents that they probably should not let their kids be around “Angie Arsnoe” because I was “sick” One teacher even told a fellow classmates parents that I was raped. I was actually molested yes but  not raped at that point. I did have some friends don’t get me wrong but just wanted to DIE. I begged God to let me die. When I was in the hospital for 6 weeks I really learned how to self harm and all the other “sick” stuff that I have been labeled with. I was VERY VERY VERY medicated at that point and basically they did not know what to do with me so they sent me home with all my PILLS xanax and all. I went back to school for awhile but I just could not take it so my Mom home schooled me. I mostly went to work on the farm full time. I liked being on the farm. I had all boy cousins but I loved my cousins they never teased me and we got along great for the most part. I had a teacher that I would see once every couple weeks. When I was about 13 I became interested in alcohol and I knew people who would buy it for me if I would do stuff for them. YEAH NOT COOL!!! From then on my life was addiction after addiction after addiction. My dream was to have a Godly husband who would treat me like a princess and I wanted to have some really cute little girls. 🙂 But I knew it would never happen because I was bad and dirty. Then life went on from there with me hanging on by a thread. I spend more time in “mental” hospitals and went to church as often as I could (would). I know my Mom prayed for me all the time. She is a amazing Godly woman and I pretty much made her life VERY hard, but I know she continued to pray for me. Okay that is a tiny bit of my history.  Back to here and now. After I deactivated my facebook God just started speaking to me and I could feel HIS arms wrapped around me. Here are some of the stuff I heard from God. “What satan intended to harm God intended for good.”  “I healed you and you had to walk through the darkness to get to the light.” “It was not your plan but it was MY plan.” God broke the chains and set me free and I would not change anything I went through in my life.  I believe Everything in my life happened for such a time is this. I also believe it is time to decide if you want to walk in the light or the darkness. God healed me but I have to wake up everyday and choose not to touch substances of any kind. I can’t have sugar or caffeine or I will be in pain. I  have to do my exercises or I will be in pain. (read my previous post) But God gets ALL the glory for healing me. We have to do our part to though. For the first time in my life I do NOT want to die. I Love my life. I am truly happy!! I feel ALIVE!! I would not be here today if it was not for my husband listening to God’s quiet voice telling him that I am the one he is to marry and that it would be hard for a time. I Love my husband so much and Thank God for him and my 2 beautiful girls!!! God told me I could turn my Face book back on now and use it cautiously.